Grief and Mourning
Jewish tradition identifies a mourner as someone who has lost an immediate family member (parent, spouse, sibling, child). We know that our grief and mourning experience might expand to many other significant relationships in our lives.
GRIEF AND MOURNING
Grief is what we experience
Mourning is the expression of our grief
There are five stages of mourning and grief in Judaism, and each of these stages is meant to provide a framework for a return to our full lives. Jewish wisdom acknowledges that there is both an inner journey and a public journey that each mourner navigates.
1. Aninut
Rooted in the Hebrew word for “deep sorrow,” aninut is the time between death and the funeral. The only expectation of the mourners is that they make funeral arrangements.
2. Shivah
From the Hebrew word for “seven”, shivah is the seven-day period following the burial during which the mourners are at home and supported by the community. It is a time and space for mourners to fully experience their deep grief without any social obligations. Community members visit, bring food, feed the mourners, sit with them, ask questions about their loved one, and share their own memories and stories of the loved one. It is a time dedicated entirely to grieving.
At the end of seven days, the mourners traditionally take a walk around the block together. This act of physically moving out of their home and into the public signals their “getting up” from grieving and taking the first steps to return to their lives.
3. Shloshim
Hebrew for “thirty”, shloshim is the 30-day mourning period following the burial. During this time mourners are in a transitory state. Many mourners return to their daily obligations and may abstain from certain joyful gatherings (e.g., weddings), cutting their hair, or purchasing new clothing. According to Jewish tradition, this is the end of official mourning for anyone other than a parent.
4. The First Year
According to Jewish tradition, children mourning the death of a parent do so for eleven months following burial and may abstain from public celebrations and outward expressions of joy throughout that time. This is the only relationship with an obligation to remain in mourning for 11 months. This obligation reflects both the unique nature of the parent/child relationship, and the emphasis that Judaism places on the commandment to honor our parents.
5. Yahrtzeit: Anniversary
Every year we mark the anniversary of the death of our loved one by lighting a memorial candle. Other rituals might include giving to charity in their memory, visiting the cemetery, reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish, and sharing memories and stories.
What do you say to a Jewish person in mourning?
HaMakom y’nachem etkhem b’tokh sh’ar aveilei Tzion v’Yrushalayim:
May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem
Zichrono/ah livrakha:
May his/her memory be for a blessing
Baruch dayan haEmet:
Blessed is the True Judge
These are the most common phrases for the mitzvah, the sacred obligation, of nichum aveilim, comforting those in mourning.
We recognize both the potential difficulty in these phrases and that they may not resonate with everyone. Remember that your presence, care, and showing up to be with someone in their grief is powerful and provides comfort beyond the words we say.